The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
