I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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