He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
