Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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