fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
