dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
