Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
