He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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