Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
