i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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