I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
