Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
