All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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