but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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