he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
