Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
