dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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