Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
