Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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