Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
