If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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