I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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