when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
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In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
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So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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