My liver just broke up with me...
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
