first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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