sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
