Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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