Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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