WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
