We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
