i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
