I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
