my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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