you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
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I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
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Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I have aggressive nipples.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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