I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
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His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
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Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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