im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
