I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
