I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I think i got beer on your cat.
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