My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
