is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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