"it" just moved
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
