Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
