Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
