I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I need a beard to bite.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.