my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
