I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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