I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
