So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
