I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
