____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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