I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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