theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
