and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
