Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
