You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
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I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
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Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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