We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
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